I sat down to write something completely different. It was entitled, “and she never came back.” I may still finish it one day, but the girl who wanted to write that was bitter, wounded and weak.
I am not that girl.
My divorce will be finalized on August 12th, a week from today, the week I travel to the beach for some SERIOUS healing. To say that this has been a surreal feeling would be an understatement; perhaps, the understatement of my last decade. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade my experiences over this last decade for the world. I have endured the loss of my father, of friendships, of a life I thought I knew. I’ve lost close friends to the uncertainty of life and I lost my marriage, and all of the things he was to me. I lost myself, more times than I can count on one hand.
I’m not that girl.
I changed my attitude, y’all; I had to. I changed the word “suffered,” to, “endured,” because that’s what it was, endurance. Did I suffer? Yes, but we all suffer. I still feel like my suffering is suffocating some days, but if I think about it like that, if I approach that way, I always end up feeling like the victim. I knew if I continued thinking that way, I’d always feeling like the girl who lost her daddy, her husband and her way.
AND I AM NOT
I reflect on seventeen through twenty-seven and I marvel. I revel. I have overcome more personally than I ever knew – no one really prepares you for it, you just have to accept things as they come and keep going, but no one tells you that when you’re growing up. Take a moment and briefly think about where you were a decade ago in comparison to where you are now. DAMN, right? When you’re growing up, you only hear about how wonderful life is. How sharing a life with someone makes life worth living, that you’re going to get to do all and be all that you could ever want and, for whatever reason, seeds are planted that make you believe that it is all going to fall right at your finger tips. But it doesn’t. We work, tirelessly it seems, to build things. “We beat on, boats against the current…” Careers, friendships, relationships…we spend our days constantly working towards something. Goals are great and necessary and fulfilling, but sometimes those things can pile up and seem like a mountain and we’re never going to reach the top.
I think about my goals, the list large and wide in front of me and I falter. I roll my eyes and think to myself, “I haven’t reached that place yet, I never will.” But, it’s just not true. Life has this way of – for lack of a better word – blooming right before our eyes. I am a paid writer now, a dream I thought would never come to fruition…and it’s only the beginning. We must pause for an appreciative thought for these things; gratitude.
I’ve had several long talks with family and friends lately about, “well when do we get there? when am I ever going to find real balance? when is life going to stop throwing rocks at me?!’ And you know what? I won’t. It never will. It is an endless cycle of the ups, downs, and roundabouts and we must keep going because life keeps going; we cannot stop just because shit gets hard, unfathomably hard. And you won’t be prepared for it and you won’t know it’s coming or when it’s going to end, you just gird your loins, buy the ticket and take the freaking ride.
After the almost decade of, what I can only refer to as The Awakening, Revolution and Revival, I am happy to say that enough of the fear has dissipated. I think it’s healthy to be a little fearful, a little leery, perhaps that’s a better word, for the sake of the thrill. Things aren’t thrilling unless they’re a little bit scary. Don’t you agree?
Two short years ago, had you asked me to climb a mountain, I would have looked at you and said, “What the hell for?” But I’m not that girl anymore. Now, I dare you to ask me. I am hungry for challenges, adventures and obstacles. If you’d ask me to climb a mountain right now, I’d say, “why the hell not?!” and race you to the peak…because I am that girl.
The hill you thought you’d never pass and valleys that seemed so deep are magnificent when you’re standing on top of the mountain. Trust me, the view is worth the climb.
thank you Courtney Wimmert for the artwork/ future ink.