“I didn’t understand then, I don’t understand now,” an understatement if I’ve ever heard one.
I know I don’t post as frequently lately, and I don’t particularly like posting anything negative, but yesterday was oddly inspiring of that emotion and I simply cannot help it; my blood was boiled to a ridiculous temperature and I’m still on the cooling rack.
Negativity is a feeling that sends me even more over the edge because I work as hard as I can to be mindful of what kind of energy I’m expending and allowing to seep out in to my world.
I marvel daily at what turns my life has taken in less than 365 days. I am often reminded that I am strong willed, blessed with a strong mind and an open heart. These things, however, do not eliminate the pain that I feel, and I feel it for at least one second of every day; I probably will for the rest of my life, if anything, as a reminder. I think about how different things are for me now as soon as I wake up and right before I go to bed at night. I mostly open and close my eyes in appreciation for having so much love and support in my life, to be able to have survived this situation, but sometimes…it’s just not that way.
Yesterday, I wanted to punch the next tall, dark and handsome man I saw, squarely in the throat. I’ve mellowed after a few hours of sleep, though the thought still sounds pleasing, especially if his name is Mark.
Though I don’t think this divorce will cloud my life for eternity, days like yesterday come along and remind me why it is that I made my decision, why I stuck to my guns, why I took my life and my happiness in my own hands and made the biggest, scariest change a married woman in her mid-twenties can possibly make: to leave. I am proud of the decision I made only a few short months ago; I had the guts to do what some people only dream of doing. Was it hard? It’s still hard. There are days I can barely wrap my head around the fact that three blonde twenty-somethings packed my entire closet into my little car in twenty minutes, that I walked in to an amazing job (followed by another) and that I have a great roommate and unbelievable support from EVERY single person in my life. I am told regularly by these people that they are so relieved and happy to see me rid of a situation that was only going to get worse. But you know what? There are days, like yesterday, that I’m just like…what. the. fuck? What was I thinking? Why did I get married in the first place? Why did I mess up my life like this? Where was my head? My mind? My rationale?
I keep myself up at night thinking about what I could have accomplished in the four years that feel wasted now. I know that’s a really defeatist way of looking at things, but sometimes we have to allow ourselves to look through that lens to get a better perspective.
I couldn’t see the writing on the wall because he was standing in front of me. It’s not a lie that love can blind you. When he’d finally realized that marriage was hard work was when I started to see it. He not only stepped aside, but away from me entirely, though never completely leaving my life. It was heartbreaking; I could feel myself struggling to run after him and away from him simultaneously. I didn’t know where to go or what to think or how to feel – sometimes, I still don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I am overwhelmed with anger and questions that I can’t answer. I’m angry because my, “plan,” has been derailed and I’ve had to to start from scratch, while his life has carried on just as it did, as though I never existed. Before him, I’d never had a real plan or direction in my life until we got married and I was so happy that my life was taking shape. I was in love and happy. The prospect of not only sharing but experiencing life with someone else was so exciting to me – sometimes, it still is even though I don’t believe I will ever say, “I do,” again.
I obviously realize now that it’s okay, that the best thing for me to do in that situation was take a stand for myself and walk away, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. When people ask how I’m doing/dealing with it, I half-smile and say with complete certainty that it was the most positive change I could have made for either of us, and I stand by that. I don’t believe that he sees it that way yet, but I wouldn’t know. He refuses to talk to me, which swells my anger because at this point, what harm would a conversation do? The relationship was over long before our marriage was – we both knew it but let it hang stagnant in the air because we weren’t equipped enough to know what to do. That knowledge wasn’t there, though the solution to our problem was evident.
I will never have closure on the situation and I’m having to make peace with that demon.
What troubles me most now is that I just don’t know how I’m going to move forward with anyone else. There is an extreme amount of bitter on my palette now, a flavor I usually enjoy, but not when it comes in this fashion. The prospect of dating someone is fun, lighthearted and totally…intimidating. The mere thought of marrying again astounds me – how could I trust another person with my life again? I gave that man every thing, all of me. Every thought, every notion, every single second of every single day…I committed mentally, physically and emotionally to him for forever. How can I trust another person not to do the same thing? To not neglect our relationship? To completely let our relationship – friendship included – dissolve right before our eyes without even so much as a goodbye. How am I going to get over that?
As I said in the beginning, with borrowed words, I didn’t understand then, I don’t understand now.