a random sort of something

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this is going to be a random sort of something. I’ve had many, many thoughts jumbled in my head,mashed up between things that transpired over the weekend and observations I’ve made during my cleanse.

“To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.” – Buddha (though debated)

I was talking with a friend the other day and we got on the topic of success. How is it measured? How do we go through life without feeling like failures all the time when we supposedly don’t meet certain marks?

I can’t stand the thought of going through life, constantly comparing ourselves to other people, better jobs, bigger this or that. The only person that is allowed to measure your success is YOU. I feel like we’d all go crazy if we really depended on other people and their standards to determine how far we’ve come and have far we have left to go. We can’t worry with that day by day; life is too short to live in constant fear of failure.

Sure, you’re going to run in to reviews at your job, and your boss, regardless of what job it is, is going to let you know if the work you’re doing is pleasing. Sure, outsiders are going to judge on what you do or don’t have; a degree, a house, fancy things, a husband, children…the list could go on. But how long do we let that go on? An idea like this has the ability to break our spirits in half and it’s just not worth it.

What is worth it, is the opinion you keep of yourself. Are your morals in check? Do you greet the day with optimism? I’m sure there are all kinds of checks and balances to keep yourself in line, but there’s only one question in my mind that matters most: are you happy?

If you can answer that question with any sort of yes, then fck the rest of it.

“Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.” – Jean de La Fontaine 

Friendship is one of those things I can barely think or write about without getting super emotional – I think I put more weight in it than I should. It wounds me easier than any other relationship I encounter in my life and lifts me higher than anything else on the planet – except for when friendship, love and passion collide. That’s spectacular. – I just don’t know how many people we become friends with, people who come in to our lives for one reason or another, place the same weight within and on the friendship. I’m a constant advocate for my friends. I’d like to think I’m a decent listener and I’d like to believe even more than I’m a solid person to lean on when things are hard. But what do we do when our friendships dissipate? Relationships that you have poured your heart and soul and love and light in to?

Friendship as an adult is so hard because you’re dealing with a multitude of balancing schedules between work and family and hobbies and weekend plans and significant others; but real friends work at it and make the time to talk and check in, even if it’s just a quick text or email.

For months now, hell, years probably I’ve struggled with letting things go; loss. I’m getting to the point now where I realize that people are going to come and go during the seasons of your life. (I mean obviously, hello divorce.) These people come to you when you need something specific in your life, whether it’s to move you through to the next part of your life or to teach you something; either way, we learn. The lesson may not be easy, and either way it’s going to hurt like hell when they leave, it’s going to break your heart and rip you up. I think losing friendship hurts worse than losing someone you’ve been romantically involved with…there’s a different level of expectation there. I really believe though now, that we must learn to let these friendships go; some things just reach a point where they no longer serve us in a positive way and we have to have the strength and knowledge to realize that it is okay to be okay with the loss.

This sort of loss in life just highlights the friends who choose to stay, no matter the hardship. One day, one argument, one unkind word doesn’t destroy the real ones, and that is beyond comforting. I’m thankful these; they’re gems.

Cleanse Observations 

My alcohol tolerance is sub zero. I’m not quite sure why I thought it was a good idea to arrive back at drinking with full force, starting with gin and ending with a few chocolatinis, but I did. I had a b-l-a-s-t and that’s really all that matters. I had my fill of alcohol, for now. Enough last night to last me at least two weeks; a, “snoot,” as my mother would lovingly call it.

My sweet tooth is extremely less sweet. I never thought I’d live to see the day where I would take two or three bites of cake and be finished or that I could stop at just one Reese’s Cup. After this cleanse, and I’ll admit I cheated with the sweets here and there, I actually cannot handle overly sweet things. This is such good news for my skin.

I prefer raw foods to anything else now. Processed food just tastes…weird. I am all about some whole foods, y’all…for real. My body feels better, lighter…tighter. I haven’t been able to do much yoga because of my fall, but even without much exercise I’ve noticed a change in my stomach, skin and overall tone. Also, my hair is a bit shinier and I’m giving the credit to the avocados.

I am still addicted to coffee. But I can give or take the cigarettes. I of course had one last night while I was drinking, and thought the entire time about how dumb the habit really is. I didn’t notice a flare-up in my skin, so my theory on a nicotine allergy may be overruled, but I still don’t think that smoking is for me.

Oil-pulling, every day. Not even trying to play here…if you’re not already oil-pulling, even if it’s just for five minutes every morning, I don’t know how you’re starting your day. My skin is clearer, brighter. My teeth are whiter than I’ve seen them in a while, which instantly brightens my entire face up when I smile. My breath stays fresh longer and it fells like the inside of my mouth has been moisturized to the umpteenth degree.

***

I was so happy to spend time in nature this weekend kayaking. It reminded me that things are most beautiful when they’re simple. Sunshine, trees, water; earth. We should show more gratitude for the nurturing, reassuring and restorative properties that just a moment outside can bring.

Random fact: I am too obsessed with The Avett Brothers.

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