soul cleanse, take me a away

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I’ve spent most of this week being completely exhausted…May kicked my ass. I am beyond happy this month is over…relieved might even be a better word for it. I feel beat and weary, mentally and physically.

I am happy, thriving at times it feels. Though, I have moments of being caught up in staggering stress and frustration.

I’m overwhelmed with trying understanding that my marriage, and now divorce, are coming to an end. I’m really seeing that part of my life dissolve and it’s had me thinking about so many things. Where does the love go? What do we do with the love that’s leftover? How do we cope with it? Do we put it in a box and take it out every now and then to try it on? Make ourselves crazy with nostalgia? I know I’ll never love someone the same. That love won’t ever go away. So what do I do with it? waaaahhhhh. I’ve got to find a way to focus and cleanse myself of these things.

In my rounds of, “being in my feelings,” (Jared I can’t thank you enough for that, it’s perfect) I’ve been drinking more than usual, averaging only 4-5 hours of sleep and I barely eat. I was at the grocery store the other day and I ran in to someone I hadn’t seen in years. “You’ve lost weight, you look great! What are you doing?” Of course I replied, “oh just some yoga and whatnot.” I got an eye roll and another question: “yeah, but what’s your diet like?” It took me a minute to answer, but the only reply I could really come up with was, “coffee. lots of coffee. and occasionally an avocado.” This stirred a laugh and a conversation about avocados being the super-food of the universe, a hug exchange and that was it….but it got me thinking.

On my drive home I thought about how that statement was true. I haven’t been eating very much, on top of not sleeping. Sure, I’m working, playing music on occasion; my yoga practice, both at home and shared, is expanding and I’m thrilled. I’ve been reaching out in to the community more and I’ve had the best time meeting new people and making new friends; being busy and social. I just don’t feel like I took care of myself in May. I rarely make time for a full, sit-down meal because I’m constantly going on to the next event or activity, and if it’s not that then I’m forgoing supper for sleep. Thinking about these things in the car made me angry…I should be doing better. I need to take better care of myself. Yes, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but my body should not suffer because I have so many things going on. Enter gratitude.

I need a cleanse of sorts. I’m grateful for my mind-body experience; I’m glad I’ve come far enough with that journey that I realize I need something a little more. So, I’m challenging myself in June to step up, competing completely with only one other competitor and that person is ME. I’ve been beating myself up about treating my body better but haven’t taken the steps that I need to get there, so I’m making up my own cleanse for my mind, body and soul.

The lineup for June’s catharsis::

No more than one cup of coffee a day, one trip to Tamp&Grind a week. This is numero uno and it just might kill me but is totally necessary. I’ve stopped drinking the liquid for pleasure and have abused it recently as a source for fuel and that’s just not okay. I used to enjoy that first sip in the morning because of what it signified. Now I’m just crabby if I don’t get to it ASAP because I’m hungry and don’t feel like eating. Those days are over.

No alcohol for the first 20 days in June. NONE. I’ve subbed far too many beers for meals in the last month and it’s starting to show. I’m 27 and HAVE GOT to understand that drinking in excess ages you so rapidly, inside and out. I want to look healthy and happy for as long as possible.

No biting off more than I can chew. I’ve somehow managed to handle it this month without having to bail on anything, but I’d like my summer to be stress free. I like being a, “yes person,” because of the experiences it lends and I’m not super awesome at saying no, but I need to get better at that. It’s really okay to commit to yourself and what you want and nothing else.

NO CIGARETTES. Though I can’t claim to be a committed smoker – I won’t buy a pack, I just bum them which is worse – I’ve still smoked more cigarettes in the last month than I ever have in my life and it’s awful. What kind of example am I setting? I don’t even really like it, it just gives me something to do with my hands when I’m drinking. If you see me with one you have my permission to take it directly out of my hand and put it out. I don’t need it.

No hours-on-end on social media. I love how connected we all are and how great that is but it’s taken me out of so many experiences that I should have been mentally present for. I am an Instagram addict, no shit. I love it. I scroll through daily and post one, if not more, picture a day. I like how it’s less social than Facebook but it’s still got me looking down at my phone when I should be looking out at my world.

No negative thoughts if at all possible.This may be the most important. It’s hard for me to admit, but I deal with anger on a regular basis. I’m so mad ALL the time that things haven’t turned out like I thought they should (see post entitled, “To the Picture in My Head.”) Negativity has fueled my anger in more ways than I have time to write about, and just in the last month. I knew I’d circle around to this emotion, but it’s really consuming and has made me quite irascible.

As far as my diet is concerned, I’m going to cut out as much sugar as possible, aside from fruit. (talk about cranky!) My sweet tooth may be why my skin has been so pesky and I want to see if it’s true. Another goal? Incorporate more raw food in to my diet than anything, and center my protein around fish. Summer is a great time to bust out the grill, so why not?

Moral: Put good in, get good out. 

I really believe in this and need to be practicing that ideal in all aspects of my life. I don’t feel like I’m being honest as a daughter, friend, employee or teacher if I continue on this way. SO I’m NOT. June Soul Cleanse, challenge accepted. 

I implore you to make your own list and do this soul cleanse with me. It’s only 20 days…and I can’t wait to see how much can change in such a short amount of time.

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