Lately I’ve found myself struggling with the idea of, “satisfaction.”
Let me preface the rest of this semi-ranting blog by saying that I am happy. Some days are harder than others (for everyone, hello) but I am leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago; a truly remarkable feeling. It’s amazing how much you appreciate the small things that make you happy in life when you can’t even remember what happy looks like.
Satisfaction has been hard to come by lately. I feel like I’m climbing a mountain or something, with a giant smile on my face and anticipation and excitement in my eyes, but I can’t seem to get there. It’s doesn’t really make much sense either because I’m not really sure what I want or what I’m supposed to do.
I am blessed with an awesome job that I love 98% of the time and fortunate enough to work with a small group that feel like family. But lately…I just want to be out in the sunshine. I want to take walks and ride bikes and swim and do yoga everywhere. I want to sell all of my shit, renovate a bus and travel the country for a few years, then sell the bus and move to another country and explore that. I want to collect sand from every beach I ever visit and buy tacky shot glasses from local bars and pubs. I want to wear the same handful of clothes, just so I have to stop at some sketchy looking washaterias every now and then for meaningful conversations while my pants dry. I want to hang out coffee shops all over the world, tasting and sampling and bouncing off all of the walls from all the espresso. I really want to thrive.
WANDERLUST IS RUNNING RAMPANT.
At this very moment, I don’t know that I can ever be grounded enough ever again to really put down real roots. It’s such a yin-yang feeling and it’s driving me bananas. In my head, I know that in order to provide myself with the things I need to do the things I want, I have to be disciplined. I must have a good job with benefits and a car and a house and all things that make up a residential life. I don’t mind having a “peopled,” life, but the yang side pulls so hard, constantly saying, “forget the dimensions! get out! do what you want!”
There are steps though, right? I can have both eventually, right?
My spirit feels…restless. I wish I could control that part of myself; the spirited part. It takes me over so strongly, sometimes it feels like it’s going to knock my right off my feet! I look inward and I’m pleased that I’m not okay with complacency, real pleased. I feel like I may have suffered a great deal with a complacent attitude in my marriage and I never, ever want to experience that again.
I’ve moved countless times over the years, back and forth and back and forth and now I’m examining why, because these feelings are familiar. I’ve got itchy, antsy pants on, for real. I don’t know why. I literally, just months ago, arrived back here and now I’m trying to be pushy and make decisions when really, everything is more than fine and I know it. I know that if I keep working and moving on, I’ll eventually get where I want to be. I’ve come full circle. Hooray! This makes my post extremely boring.
Until I get there though, I’ll be happier than a dead pig in the sunshine to be drinking beer at my favorite pub, scarfing down pizza with the greatest people in the world.