do you ever catch yourself doing something really, really random and weird and think, “Oh shit….this is who I really am? shiiiiit.” I had that moment last night while in the bubble bath and I had to take the time to laugh at myself. And now I’m giving you the opportunity to laugh at me. you’re welcome.
I know that 90% of what I post is obsessively introspective, but I have no shame in saying that I have absolutely relished getting to know myself over the last year. January 2014 was really when my eyes started to open and see things in shades I never imagined. The kind of clarity that comes when you’re fully awake to the world around you…well, that’s something. Self-recognition is difficult and weird…and beyond beautiful.
I didn’t know that I liked yoga before I started doing it. I had no idea it was eventually going to completely change my life, but it has in ways I will never be able to put in to words as long as I walk this earth. Without my practice, I don’t think I would have been able to keep my sanity.
I didn’t know I could write a book. I knew I was an okay writer, with a semi-decent way with words, but I didn’t know I had so many in my head…and that I could write it down in a cohesive way.
I didn’t know I liked going on long walks around random neighborhoods, but that is exceptionally mind-clearing, and an activity I immensely enjoy. I don’t really make note of the houses or anything, just my feet moving, the wind or the trees. I love it.
I didn’t know that I liked taking bubble baths…
While I was still in New Orleans, trying to make my marriage work while working doubles almost every day at the restaurant, I tried everything to zen out and decompress. My mind was constantly zooming, attempting to problem solve shit at home, make enough money to put food on the table I found solace in taking bubble baths. Ever the quick shower girl, this was hard for me. Just sitting there, waiting for the water to get cool? I couldn’t really relax or enjoy it the way I wanted because I felt like I could be doing something else. I suppose yoga aided in my ability to eventually relax my mind and enjoy the luxuriousness of a bubble bath. It eventually became a fun, safe place for me. I started reading in the tub, which is just such a thing. I don’t know how I’ve taken that for granted all these years.
Once I moved home (in with my mom and stepfather for a few months) I started singing in the tub….and this fast forwards us to last night. It should be noted that though I have been blessed with all kinds of musical inclination, I cannot carry a tune in a bucket. It’s a gene, like math, that though I am a musician I do not possess the ability to sing or do fractions. Sad day.
I usually have some sort of refreshments before a good, steamy, mineral bath. – I’ve started adding salts, oils and minerals to my bubble baths and oooohhhhmigod everything is better. Muscle tension is eased by 100% and my senses really open up. Nothing like a menthol bath. – Refreshments being, wine or scotch, etc etc. Last night, after a ravioli fest (I love carb day) with Jared, I decided I’d take a nice long bath, sans book. I wanted my mind to slow down and just rest for a while, so I turned on some tunes. This turned in to me singing loudly for a solid forty-five minutes, pretty much pretending that I was part of a giant synchronized swim team to every single song. I sang in soft voices and loud voices and singing voices with British accents. During Sleater-Kinney’s Modern Girl I actually tried to sound like Corin Tucker, obviously to no avail. I knew Jared was probably on the other side of that wall thinking, “what in the actual?!” That’s what I get for making such killer playlists I guess. Had anyone walked in on that I would have been mortified, but I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. We all need to take the time to do that every now and then. It makes me feel human!
I’ve learned so many things about myself over the last year and a handful of months. I’m allowed to feel everything that I want to feel, when I want to feel it. I’m allowed to freely express my opinions and not bat a lash when someone disagrees. I get to have the conversations I want, read what I want, write what I want and not have to worry about judgement. I finally figured out that people are going to judge you, regardless of how well-behaved you are, how you handle things, how you smile….people judge you on everything. Once you can detach yourself from worrying with that, the entire world spins differently. I can sing four or five keys off and not give any fcks because it’s not about the pitch it is totally about the feeling I get when I sing. And it doesn’t matter where I do it, in the tub while I’m shaving my legs or in the car or in a bar full of people, it only matters how I feel.
I like my bubble bath persona.
I read this in the tub recently, and you should too –
Here’s a ridiculous song.