i do not feel bad.

Standard

“because you’re tiny!” AND I DO NOT FEEL BAD about it.

I’d like to briefly comment on the common misconception that because I am built petite and am often referred to as, “the tiny blonde in the middle,” this does NOT mean I am always and forever body-posi or in love with the way I look. I occasionally have days where I approve of how things have turned out on, i.e. hair in place, make-up on point, outfit put together….but it makes me extremely uncomfortable when I get, “size small, because you’re tiny,” especially when it’s followed by an eye roll. I realize that you’re trying to pay me some sort of a compliment, but it really does not come out as so.

There was a point, shortly before I got married, that I was not, “tiny.” I’d gained 40lbs plus while my ex and I were dating and I felt horrible. “Oh please, you’re still small!” I hated hearing that because I hated the way I looked in everything and couldn’t standing going to the gym or getting on the scale; it was torture. I nit-picked my body to death…and the only thing that made me feel better about the extra weight was something sweet or a large cheese pizza. Now, I do not feel bad for being a, “crunchy, organic only, yoga, granola,” girl. I like knowing what I’m putting in my body. I like knowing where my food comes from and that they are whole, non-processed foods. I like the way eating clean makes me feel. I know that I’m taking action and doing something good for a body that does so much for me.

In that same turn though, I do not feel bad for eating a whole pizza. I don’t do vegan, vegetarian, fat-free or anything on the nights I feel like vegging out, ironic as it may sound. Saturday night I ate half a pint of ice cream allllllll by myself and I FEEL NO SHAME. I only wish I would have finished it, because now’s it’s going to hide in my freezer and taunt me all week.

I do not feel bad for embracing my almost exclusive yoga ways. I simply prefer exercise that not only stimulates and calms my body simultaneously, but my mind as well. I know there are a handful of stereotypes as to what practicing yoga means. It has automatically put me in to the category of topping everything I eat with flaxseed, hempseed and chia seeds, that I only wear Lululemon yoga pants and that I’m, “real in to trance right now. It helps me memorize the sanskrit.” I realize that people expect me to be wearing mala beads (which I’ll eventually have) and to pass out Kombucha after my yoga classes. I have news….if my yoga outfit is put together at all, it’s probably because I finally did laundry and a yoga outfit that coordinates just makes my little OCD heart so happy. Yoga has completely changed my life…why wouldn’t I want to study and practice it as much as I possibly can?

I do not feel bad for having feelings, or expressing them. I’ve recently had a burst of response to my blog, primarily the last one, and it really inspired such overwhelming feelings of hope. It reassured my faith in my words, that I can actually string together sentences and that people don’t hate them. I go back and forth on shaming myself for having incorrect feelings at the wrong time for the wrong people, etc. etc….then writing about them. I NO LONGER FEEL BAD FOR THIS. The feels are just…the feels. However you deal with them…well, that’s just fine. They’re inevitable and not one single person should feel shame for actualizing their feelings. Ever.

Now for an semi-entertaining list of other things I do not feel bad about:

1. Hitting the snooze button for an hour. –  I know, I could get up and do extra yoga, eat breakfast, really put an outfit together for work, but….half-sleep. C’mon. Nothing better than being a little groggy during your morning shower.

2. Long phone conversations late at night. – Yes, I should be sleeping because I have an 8-5 job that I need to be on point for at all times. I know, I have obligations tomorrow night and that means staying up right now will make me drag ass all day tomorrow. But my best friends in the world are only available to talk at night and I will not give up listening to their sweet voices, not even for a minute.

3. Sex. (self-explanatory.)

4. Listening to music that I’ve outgrown. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL. There. I said it.

5. Chick-lit. Although it’s always way too fluffy and the sex scenes leave something to be desired, I love it. Clare Naylor is my favorite, particularly because Clare is spelled different. (Dog Handling is hilarious and wonderful if you’re looking for a beach read.)

6. Watching chick shows. Sometimes I just need to unwind and find drama that’s more interesting than my own. Revenge, enough said.

7. Binge reading on the weekends. I love turning my phone off and completely losing an entire day in a book.

8. Patting yourself on the back for a job well-done, regardless of task. If you think you gave it 100%, there is no reason to not internally give yourself a high-five. Over and over and over.

9. Admitting that I hate sleeping solo. Sure, I adore waking up, realizing I’m completely sprawled out and taking up the whole bed diagonally, I love it. But..I also have no shame whatsoever in saying that if I could find a man that’s willing to share only my bed with me, nothing else, I’d jump at the opportunity. NO SEX NO RELATIONSHIP, literally just sleep. I miss that most.

10. I do not feel bad for not beating myself up. I feel like beating yourself up means you didn’t learn anything. Like it somehow associates in my brain as defeat. If you beat yourself up, it means that you’re still working through your issue…not necessarily gleaning anything from it. I believe that it’s okay to allow yourself to wallow in a certain amount of misery for a short period of time, but after that, get your shit together and become a person you don’t want to beat up.

my friend Courtney left this on my wall today, and now I’m leaving it for you. I do not feel bad about this.

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