the lebenslangerschicksalsschartz curse

Standard

I’m not quite sure where to begin. These thoughts have been trickling down and around my ears and I can’t really hear anything else, so it’s time for me to write it down. I’m sure it’s going to be circular and may not make much sense. A common character trait (or flaw?) of my writing process and thought process in general, which is sometimes helpful, but mostly annoying.

After having one of many long conversations with on of my soul-sisters (yes, I have adopted this word and use it freely and I don’t care how trite it makes me sound) I haven’t been able to stop thinking about lebenslangerschicksalsschartzI don’t know if the word is real or not, if it is an actual German translation of something whimsy and lovely or if it’s just some random string of letters smashed together to convey an obscure emotion by the writers of How I Met Your Mother. Regardless, I am intrigued at the description (taken directly from the show):  it is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin… 

I know I’ve experienced this, several times. The feels (see previously posted blogs. almost all of them) can course through you like a fever. Doesn’t that eventually always go away? Does it linger for some? Does it last for others? Or are we cursed to only ever have beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstandthe thing that is almost the thing that you want.. but it’s not quite. OH GOD. Isn’t this the worst? You can touch it and taste it and it’s wonderful, but it’s still not quite what you want. Like…when you go to a restaurant and you’re super pumped about the dish you ordered because you thought about it all day, and some how….you’re still not satisfied. How do you ever really know? When does it finally click and what do you do with that moment of recognition? Is it always mutual? Probably not. It’s awful to know that the person you’re seeing/with is beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand and even worse….when you realize you’re that person. Are we ever really satisfied in relationships? Happy?

I am terrified of finding my lebenslangerschicksalsschartz, probably because I thought I already had it, but I was obviously incorrect. I made the statement earlier today that I think I’m okay with my friends being my greatest loves and adopting children and maybe finding someone to share all of that with. That it is possible that monogamy, on that level, may not be for me and that I will probably spend the rest of my life falling in and out of love with all kinds of people.

I asked Jared (and a few other friends recently – I’m a writer, I constantly survey) if he thought various relationships simultaneously was acceptable. He of course gave me a look which meant I needed to elaborate. “Someone to experience life with emotionally, someone to satisfy your sexual appetite and someone to raise a family with.” Another look and a deep breath, and a pause before he replied. Eventually he says, “sure Damsel…but you know that isn’t socially acceptable. People don’t do that.” But don’t we? How is being open about the different people and things that satisfy you in different ways not acceptable? I’d rather be in an open relationship, that’s filled with honesty than be in a monogamous one that’s full of lies.

Is it possible for one person to encompass these things? Is it possible to find that kind of true connection and happiness with one other person? I’m just throwing things out here since I’m mostly just searching for all kinds of answers. My thoughts on monogamy are obviously different, and have been heavily influenced by the recent events in my life. Divorce has left such a bitter taste in my mouth, thankfully a flavor free of regret. A taste I’m not sure I’ll ever forget.I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of hardcore committing to another person for forever and having no other choice but to walk away.

I’ve always felt humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…always. It’s a nice idea, wrapped in a pretty box with a bow and a card filled with such pretty words. I was never sold though…wrong salesman? I don’t know. I realize I’m drawing circles. Oh to be introspective in floral print.

….and now I’m thinking about how harmonious life might be with my true lebenslangerschicksalsschartz. if that even exists. any thoughts are welcome, as I’m positively lost in my own now.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “the lebenslangerschicksalsschartz curse

  1. Tiffany,
    Thank you for finding my blog, so I could find yours- especially this one. I can’t wait to reblog it. At the beginning of my second marriage I was still healing from the wounds of my first marriage coming to an end. Both as a reactionary tactic, and to recognize that my second husband would not be able to meet all of my needs- specifically sexually as I identified as bisexual- I asked that we have an open relationship. This was a disaster for many reasons, primarily his insecurities about it, but I still think it is a viable way to approach the many needs we all have, and that it is more likely to get these needs met by more than one individual. I understand your friend saying it’s not socially acceptable, however in recent years it has become much more viable for many couples I know.(Many of whom you would never think would ever consider it!)

    I have been married to my second husband for eight years. We nearly got divorced five years ago, and I saw how ugly and manipulative he could be. I fought to stay married because I refused to allow him to raise our daughter in the environment he was living in, along with the bad habits it encouraged. I am glad we stayed married, because I have two lovely daughters now. However, I can’t lie any longer and say our marriage will last much longer. He is a severely depressed, angry man who rages at our children, blaming them and me for all of his unhappiness. I have been through hell and back with him and with my health- undergoing a massive brain surgery in 2013 that I just learned last October was not only done incorrectly, but never should have been done at all, as I was misdiagnosed. Despite the immense pain I am in I try my best to be a good mama everyday. More and more I’m realizing that to be a good mom I have to get my girls away from his verbal abuse, so that they don’t repeat the patterns I have throughout my life.

    I do not think I’ll ever meet that one person who is the one for me. I hope I meet several I can love, and maybe even one I’ll let meet my girls—a long, long way in the future. Over the past years I’ve also realized I’m nor bisexual as I thought for a long time. I have zero interest in sex with a men, any man, ever again. This discovery came before my husband turned into a complete monster, so I don’t think it’s reactionary. I’ve always felt a part of myself was abandoned when I married men both times. Both men ended up being more like children, and it’s painfully obvious I didn’t learn my lesson the first time around, since I’ve been supporting my current husband for three years now, despite being disabled and undergoing numerous surgeries and more procedures than I can count. I’m tired of being the only one working hard to make sure my girls are happy and healthy, and that the bills are paid.

    To be completely honest, it would be nice to have sex with someone who’s only concern was not their own pleasure! There are many pieces and characteristics of every person, and I believe it would be ideal if I could find different women to share certain aspects of my life. One sexually (or two!), one to wander bookstores and libraries with, someone to encourage my writing, and maybe another who knows how to be a great mom. It’s not that I’ve given up hope that one person could meet all my needs, rather than I think it’s a lot more reasonable to only ask someone for parts of themselves they can freely give. I’ve learned the hard way, through two decades of unhappy marriages, that expecting one person to love me and my daughters unconditionally, fulfill my needs-intellectual, social, emotional and sexual, while being happy and content with their own life is unlikely. I know many couples that have settled, and many who have divorced. I’m pretty flexible and independent. I don’t expect perfection. All I want is someone who will not use me, who is happy with their life, achievements and goals, and wants to share their joy and love.

    Perhaps I’ll find the things I’ve missed in other people, or maybe I’ll be content to be a single mama. No matter what I know it’s time for a change. I think you have the right idea. If you want to learn more about open relationships (I plan on getting my degree in sexual ed soon, so it’s a topic I’ve studied-book wise at least- in depth.) The Ethical Slut and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships are the best books I’ve read on the topic, from two well respected sex educators.

    I wish you luck on your journey, and look forward to reading many more of your posts! I’m debating whether to start an anonymous blog, where I can share this chapter of my life coming to a close, and a new one beginning, but I’ve been hesitant to write anywhere I think my husband may find my true feelings and pain. I’d love to know what you think. Is it challenging to write honestly, publicly?

    Thank you again for writing and sharing this post. I feel much less alone in my world now, knowing I’m not the only woman contemplating how my future could be different and better without monogamy.

    I’m sorry for the length of my comment! Thank you for reading it!

    • I am completely blown away by this response. I love that what I wrote evoked such feeling. I have had so many close friends read this randomly and tell me that it was comforting to know that they are not alone.

      Writing about it publicly is something I don’t even think about any more. This is an outlet for me, the same as my yoga mat or behind my drums or guitar. I write what I want to write here, save for a few choice words, but that’s because my mom reads this and she already hates that I cuss like a sailor. I think I’ve been inspired to write a blog about writing a blog. I may take the time to do it now. But before I post…..your feelings are sacred and so are your words. People are going to judge you, whether or not you say anything. My theory is to just lay your shit out in a way that no one can argue with, and that means honest. As long as you’re being honest and not defaming anyone’s character, you’re good to go!

      Keep writing! Thank you so much for reading!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s