I’m not quite sure where to begin. These thoughts have been trickling down and around my ears and I can’t really hear anything else, so it’s time for me to write it down. I’m sure it’s going to be circular and may not make much sense. A common character trait (or flaw?) of my writing process and thought process in general, which is sometimes helpful, but mostly annoying.
After having one of many long conversations with on of my soul-sisters (yes, I have adopted this word and use it freely and I don’t care how trite it makes me sound) I haven’t been able to stop thinking about lebenslangerschicksalsschartz. I don’t know if the word is real or not, if it is an actual German translation of something whimsy and lovely or if it’s just some random string of letters smashed together to convey an obscure emotion by the writers of How I Met Your Mother. Regardless, I am intrigued at the description (taken directly from the show): it is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously. It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin…
I know I’ve experienced this, several times. The feels (see previously posted blogs. almost all of them) can course through you like a fever. Doesn’t that eventually always go away? Does it linger for some? Does it last for others? Or are we cursed to only ever have beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand: the thing that is almost the thing that you want.. but it’s not quite. OH GOD. Isn’t this the worst? You can touch it and taste it and it’s wonderful, but it’s still not quite what you want. Like…when you go to a restaurant and you’re super pumped about the dish you ordered because you thought about it all day, and some how….you’re still not satisfied. How do you ever really know? When does it finally click and what do you do with that moment of recognition? Is it always mutual? Probably not. It’s awful to know that the person you’re seeing/with is beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand and even worse….when you realize you’re that person. Are we ever really satisfied in relationships? Happy?
I am terrified of finding my lebenslangerschicksalsschartz, probably because I thought I already had it, but I was obviously incorrect. I made the statement earlier today that I think I’m okay with my friends being my greatest loves and adopting children and maybe finding someone to share all of that with. That it is possible that monogamy, on that level, may not be for me and that I will probably spend the rest of my life falling in and out of love with all kinds of people.
I asked Jared (and a few other friends recently – I’m a writer, I constantly survey) if he thought various relationships simultaneously was acceptable. He of course gave me a look which meant I needed to elaborate. “Someone to experience life with emotionally, someone to satisfy your sexual appetite and someone to raise a family with.” Another look and a deep breath, and a pause before he replied. Eventually he says, “sure Damsel…but you know that isn’t socially acceptable. People don’t do that.” But don’t we? How is being open about the different people and things that satisfy you in different ways not acceptable? I’d rather be in an open relationship, that’s filled with honesty than be in a monogamous one that’s full of lies.
Is it possible for one person to encompass these things? Is it possible to find that kind of true connection and happiness with one other person? I’m just throwing things out here since I’m mostly just searching for all kinds of answers. My thoughts on monogamy are obviously different, and have been heavily influenced by the recent events in my life. Divorce has left such a bitter taste in my mouth, thankfully a flavor free of regret. A taste I’m not sure I’ll ever forget.I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of hardcore committing to another person for forever and having no other choice but to walk away.
I’ve always felt humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…always. It’s a nice idea, wrapped in a pretty box with a bow and a card filled with such pretty words. I was never sold though…wrong salesman? I don’t know. I realize I’m drawing circles. Oh to be introspective in floral print.
….and now I’m thinking about how harmonious life might be with my true lebenslangerschicksalsschartz. if that even exists. any thoughts are welcome, as I’m positively lost in my own now.