the welcome back and the gold standard

Standard

I’m pretty positive I may have been temporarily checked out of life this weekend, thanks to one of the worst stomach viruses I’ve ever experienced. the time alone though was really amazing for a true, “welcome back,” to my body yesterday evening. into this morning.

I decided I needed to post this, as some sort of accountability to keep myself in check. I need to get back to eating green or grilled only. I need to cut the crappy, fatty foods and all of the sugar I’ve been indulging in – no really. I know most of you that read this know how much I adore sweets. I’ll admit to it…I killed so many Cadbury’s Eggs last week it should be illegal. The sugar has completely, and quickly, become out of hand. I end EVERY meal on a sweet note, every day. How I haven’t gained all of my, “wedding weight,” back I’ll never know (stress is my guess?) Unless it is Saturday night or Sunday afternoon…nothing fried, nothing sweet. AND NO ALCOHOL UNTIL FRIDAY, for Pete’s sake. My bank account will appreciate this too!

I need to start the day, EVERY DAY with a slow vinyasa and push myself at night to float. I know I can, I’m just being a lazy ass and not doing the work.

I need to finish my book (TODAY!) and make sure I’m getting enough rest. I’ve been so down in the dumps about my skin looking like shit, when honestly it’s no wonder. I don’t sleep but more than four to five hours at a time and I haven’t been in the habit of washing my face every night before I go to bed – it’s ridiculous and gross and I’m admitting to it here in hopes that it will embarrass me enough to get myself together. Now that I’ve officially gone pixie, I can’t afford to have spots all over my face!

I’ve completely bored you, but I must make confessions about The Anchor, my beloved book. I unofficially announced in a Facebook comment that I would be finished with it yesterday and sending it off to the editor. Due to my illness, I didn’t finish quite yet, but that’s what’s on the agenda today during and after lunch, as well as this evening. I am totally wiping out all plans for the week, except for writing, yoga and playing some tunes (which I haven’t done in a while.)

I am so afraid of ending this story, even though I’ve already started the process on its sequel. I can’t even begin to think about the agony I will feel when I complete the Walter&Bridget story entirely. I don’t write about the story’s inspiration much – why, I’m not sure – but I think it’s okay to do so every now and then. Their story is something extremely simple and complicated. It’s what we struggle with every day: timing, correctness, considering others. It’s about assessing all of that, then factoring in your own feelings. What happens then? What happens when your feelings win? Human nature alone dictates that there is no way to predict reactions to any of this. It’s easy and complex. You can prepare to an extent to deal with the consequences, but there is no actual way to ever be ready. The same can be said for almost any situation you come across…it’s shit like this that really makes it abundantly clear how much writing this story has taught me.

The story started as a weak song, one I knew I’d never finish writing if it stayed in that format. I played around with the words a little, then turned it in to this long prose and the next thing I knew I had twenty pages. I said to myself, “let me just see what happens if I write a little more,” so I did. A week later I had 150 plus pages and my fingers wouldn’t stop flying. I was completely addicted. I had to answer all of the questions in my head, I had to know what was going to happen. At the time I had so many unanswered questions in my life, it was necessary for me to explore. The answers I chose to write down may not have solved anything in my own relationship, but that exploration healed me in ways I haven’t discovered yet.

That’s the long and the short of it honestly. The Anchor has nothing to do with intention, as I previously thought before. It is every bit as honest as your best friend telling you about their relationship over coffee. The gold standard.

Regardless of what happens with the book, if it is ever published and successful, or if I just pass around a hard copy to my friends and have them doodle in it, I will forever be grateful for what those characters have done for me. It was the push that I needed to move on, the realization that freed me.

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2 thoughts on “the welcome back and the gold standard

  1. Addison Taylor

    Love your reflections on your book. Writing can be such a catharsis of working out our own fears, confusions, processes. You’re inspiring me to work on a novel again!

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