rage, rage against the dying of…MY SANITY

Standard

WARNING: this is a rant. quite possibly the most negative thing I’ve ever posted. if you’re not interested in reading the rant-y ramblings of a pissed off blonde, then I highly suggest you skip this blog and just check out the breakfast page.

***

my car died Wednesday night. I deep-slept for twelve hours last night, completely ruining my writing schedule and today I woke up to a day that is really hard to silver-line.

oh also, yoga certification may not be on the table this year. great.

I will never, ever in a million years understand the decision I made in 2011. I like to think that I live by a, “no-regrets,” policy, but in the case of my marriage, that just isn’t true. I have learned so much through the whole process, and when things were good, they were really, really good. I loved being a wife and all of the responsibilities that came along with it – emotional and domestic. I loved the idea of sharing my life with someone, and someone sharing their life with me. I adored the idea of celebrating each and every day with someone who I cared so much about on so many levels. Emotional, physical, spiritual…all of it. Now, gone.

I really hate that we threw away a friendship…for love. I can barely think about him now without regretting ruining an amazing friendship to give being together a shot – a mistake I will never ever make ever again. This morning, when Friday decided to punch me in the face (and dare I say the throat and the stomach,) it was when I realized that it’s okay to not be okay; to wave at your sanity as you pass by it on the Rage Train.

Becoming unmarried…well this just isn’t easy. It’s painful and frustrating and there are so many hoops to jump through. Everyone thinks that because I’m the one whole left, I don’t have to deal with anything; that it’s easy for me and that I don’t care about a damn thing. I AM HERE TO CLARIFY TO YOU KNOW-IT-ALLS….YOU ARE WRONG. I had no choice, I was pushed out. Gahhhhh when rage fuels validation. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but it’s really making me feel all of the feelings. AND ITS FRUSTRATING ME.

I lived in guy-world, unnoticed for the most part unless I was cooking. Alone in almost all things. This whole process, while I have maintained a certain level of positivity, has been nothing short of a life sucker. I have had to change everything…moved out, moved home, moved in with a roommate; my stuff in boxes time and time again for what feels like the 4215245 time. I’ve had to rope my friends in to shoveling my furniture back and forth, room to room. Though I have made great attempts at staying upbeat and positive in what is quite possibly the most confrontational situation I will ever be in, I am only human and sometimes we have to surrender to what’s before us. I think, maybe, that’s when we actually learn.

I am absolutely, 100% not griping about this, as I knew it would be a long, hard road. I’m thankful for my family and friends that have carried this weight with me over the last year and all they have done for me. I have nothing but gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned and those that I’m still learning. I’m just having a day. I knew this would happen, I knew I would have headaches. I knew there would be tears and heartache and stress. I knew I’d go through periods of questioning everything…but I also knew that sticking around and waiting for the situation to change would only double the above. I couldn’t deal with looking so far down a road that was paved with nothing but tribulation. I wanted happiness, every day. Hell, that’s what we need. I am happy to endure whatever the universe unfolds for me, but some days are harder than others. We must remember this.

here’s a song from my latest girl crush. she got all the feels too.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “rage, rage against the dying of…MY SANITY

  1. I really enjoyed this post (is that wrong?). I too left a partner some years ago, luckily we were not married but it was hard enough so I can’t imagine how it is for you right now. It’s very frustrating as the ‘dumper’ gets all the anger and hate from people. People who didn’t see the slow breakdown of us in that relationship, what the other person did to us. We left because the other refused to accept it was over.

    I hope the rant helped. For what it’s worth, i get’s better xx

    • Nope, not wrong at all. People are going to have their opinions and judge, but we’ve got to get to place where we can just respect each other and not do that. Unless you’ve got the guts to ask what’s going, the judgement is invalid and obviously unwelcome. Thanks for reading! ❤

  2. Hannah Castille

    This rant makes me want to choke some of the people that judge you so harshly on becoming unmarried. I don’t know who these people are, but the fact is they are driving you into negativity and I super dislike them for it! Shame on them!

    An ending marriage isn’t easy for anyone to face, and the only feelings that matter are your own! I know it’s hard not to consider their perspectives, but don’t listen to them!

    You have a lot on your plate. Transitioning into stability and a new lifestyle isn’t an overnight fix!

    I am sending you all the good vibes I possibly can!! You don’t deserve to feel like you have to surrender your happiness in this moment of pain and frustration!

    Life is a fucking bitch sometimes! Mother-fucking ice cream all in our hair making us feel like we don’t have anything left to do but break down. So break down, but don’t let it break you down!

    I just want you to know that even though today has punched you in the face, the boxing match isn’t over! I’m in your corner, cheering you on! Lace up those gloves and get on your feet!
    The struggle is real, but the fight isn’t over! The time will come and you will come out on top. You will have that happiness you’re searching for!

  3. Tricia Berry

    As a trained nurse, I am supposed to know what to say to comfort someone who is hurting. I know the answers to the exam questions, which always start with: “I hear you saying…” or “You sound angry….” But frankly, when someone uses this technique on me, I just find it annoying. I’ve only found one phrase to be truly helpful– “I’m listening.” So keep writing sweet girl, and we readers will keep listening.

  4. Oh man, reading your post made me feel not so alone, I may be heading down the big-D road soon, unwillingly. Thanks for being on the other side and being strong, and angry-but-still-living, and funny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s