WARNING: this is a rant. quite possibly the most negative thing I’ve ever posted. if you’re not interested in reading the rant-y ramblings of a pissed off blonde, then I highly suggest you skip this blog and just check out the breakfast page.
my car died Wednesday night. I deep-slept for twelve hours last night, completely ruining my writing schedule and today I woke up to a day that is really hard to silver-line.
oh also, yoga certification may not be on the table this year. great.
I will never, ever in a million years understand the decision I made in 2011. I like to think that I live by a, “no-regrets,” policy, but in the case of my marriage, that just isn’t true. I have learned so much through the whole process, and when things were good, they were really, really good. I loved being a wife and all of the responsibilities that came along with it – emotional and domestic. I loved the idea of sharing my life with someone, and someone sharing their life with me. I adored the idea of celebrating each and every day with someone who I cared so much about on so many levels. Emotional, physical, spiritual…all of it. Now, gone.
I really hate that we threw away a friendship…for love. I can barely think about him now without regretting ruining an amazing friendship to give being together a shot – a mistake I will never ever make ever again. This morning, when Friday decided to punch me in the face (and dare I say the throat and the stomach,) it was when I realized that it’s okay to not be okay; to wave at your sanity as you pass by it on the Rage Train.
Becoming unmarried…well this just isn’t easy. It’s painful and frustrating and there are so many hoops to jump through. Everyone thinks that because I’m the one whole left, I don’t have to deal with anything; that it’s easy for me and that I don’t care about a damn thing. I AM HERE TO CLARIFY TO YOU KNOW-IT-ALLS….YOU ARE WRONG. I had no choice, I was pushed out. Gahhhhh when rage fuels validation. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but it’s really making me feel all of the feelings. AND ITS FRUSTRATING ME.
I lived in guy-world, unnoticed for the most part unless I was cooking. Alone in almost all things. This whole process, while I have maintained a certain level of positivity, has been nothing short of a life sucker. I have had to change everything…moved out, moved home, moved in with a roommate; my stuff in boxes time and time again for what feels like the 4215245 time. I’ve had to rope my friends in to shoveling my furniture back and forth, room to room. Though I have made great attempts at staying upbeat and positive in what is quite possibly the most confrontational situation I will ever be in, I am only human and sometimes we have to surrender to what’s before us. I think, maybe, that’s when we actually learn.
I am absolutely, 100% not griping about this, as I knew it would be a long, hard road. I’m thankful for my family and friends that have carried this weight with me over the last year and all they have done for me. I have nothing but gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned and those that I’m still learning. I’m just having a day. I knew this would happen, I knew I would have headaches. I knew there would be tears and heartache and stress. I knew I’d go through periods of questioning everything…but I also knew that sticking around and waiting for the situation to change would only double the above. I couldn’t deal with looking so far down a road that was paved with nothing but tribulation. I wanted happiness, every day. Hell, that’s what we need. I am happy to endure whatever the universe unfolds for me, but some days are harder than others. We must remember this.
here’s a song from my latest girl crush. she got all the feels too.