you’re trouble, that’s what you are.

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ah, catching the feels.

you meet someone and suddenly, your brain starts to malfunction. you begin a full body scan, noticing eye color, hair, body. the way the person speaks and its affect on you, a direct correlation to your immediate affection. a full body scan of your own is next: body is tensed in approval of what your eyes survey. eyes wide in hope to see it all, every inch, missing nothing. a hand through the hair and a deep breath are ideal but do not help in steadying the nerves that are taking over. your brain has completely filled with white noise, their words and your thoughts, expertly mixed. has a choir suddenly started singing? you watch their lips move and their eyes flick around and you’re dying to know what’s happening in their head. you realize yours has become completely unattached from your body, and is floating around the room laughing hysterically at you, because you have caught the feels. you poor bastard.

“nothing can be this good! nothing has felt like this in years! addiction is real and I’M OKAY WITH IT!” and it’s true, because catching the feels, a phrase I genuinely love and hate (because I think it’s stupid, but what are we supposed to do? walk around using twitterpated?) but use anyway because it’s completely accurate. FEELINGS MAKE YOU CRAZY. I realize this is obvious, but it’s true. one does things and thinks things that no normal, rational person would ever consider, but the feels somehow negotiate and justify. stupid fcking feels.

moments are spent in equal parts bliss and agony. are they feeling the same? are the fighting the urge to grab your hand and run around to some gorgeous beach that just so happens to be hosting the perfect sunset? do they want to stroll the streets of nowhere particular, sipping coffee and laughing at nothing? OH PLEASE SAY YES!

…then something else happens. you’re reminded that the feels often lead to trouble, heartache. that you may or may not get the answer you wanted. only moments after your head detached and was ready to float off to Never-Never Land, it quietly comes back down and reattaches, reminding you that the feels can dupe you. your mind quickly starts to race again, but down a different path. as you’re violently running in the opposite direction, thoughts start to creep:

“The timing is off.”

“What will everyone say?”

“I don’t really know…I just don’t feel right about it.”

GOOD JOB! you’ve now convinced yourself that it’s over before it even has a chance to start. and lets be honest here, isn’t that really the best way to steer clear of anything complicated? By now, this marvelous person is smiling at you, genuinely interested in what you have to say. this is causing your brain to exert itself, really try to focus on the task at hand: saying no to the feels.

“Well what do you think?” the friendly smile asks. THIS IS IT! your insides are opposing as they scream GO FOR IT!  DON’T YOU DARE! you instantly repeat what you’ve been going through in the last ten minutes and return the smile coyly and say, “you’re trouble, that’s what you are.”

you leave the scene abruptly, but subtle, drawing no attention to your turmoil. the feels, are left appropriately in your wake.

it’s funny though, because trouble will always find you.

take a walk, say thank you.

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I forgot how good the sunshine feels. I’m thankful for it’s renewing properties.

I forgot how thankful my body feels after morning yoga, calm and quiet. And coffee. Always remember to be good to your self.

I forgot how wonderful a fifteen minute walk around downtown, just to get the mail, can be. It some how changes the entire day. I’m thankful for this during a week that was beginning to not seem so wonderful.

I love the smell of spring and it’s promise to make all things new. Nature, enough said.

I love the way months April through July make you feel like nothing can steal your bliss. Bad days are some how shorter and quickly forgotten by the time the sun comes up. Good days seem long and stretch far in to the night. I love this.

I love the way I hate being a morning person, until I’m up before my alarm, feeling rested and ready to conquer the day. Yoga, oil-pulling, hot shower, coffee; life is simple and amazing, and for this I am thankful.

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I needed to post a list of things I forgot and things I love, to check in with my promise to myself to celebrate and demonstrate gratitude this year. This list could go on, but these are the observations I’ve made thus far. Do yourself a favor and talk a walk today, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes, or get on your mat or bike. Make today count! And then, say thank you to the world around you.

rage, rage against the dying of…MY SANITY

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WARNING: this is a rant. quite possibly the most negative thing I’ve ever posted. if you’re not interested in reading the rant-y ramblings of a pissed off blonde, then I highly suggest you skip this blog and just check out the breakfast page.

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my car died Wednesday night. I deep-slept for twelve hours last night, completely ruining my writing schedule and today I woke up to a day that is really hard to silver-line.

oh also, yoga certification may not be on the table this year. great.

I will never, ever in a million years understand the decision I made in 2011. I like to think that I live by a, “no-regrets,” policy, but in the case of my marriage, that just isn’t true. I have learned so much through the whole process, and when things were good, they were really, really good. I loved being a wife and all of the responsibilities that came along with it – emotional and domestic. I loved the idea of sharing my life with someone, and someone sharing their life with me. I adored the idea of celebrating each and every day with someone who I cared so much about on so many levels. Emotional, physical, spiritual…all of it. Now, gone.

I really hate that we threw away a friendship…for love. I can barely think about him now without regretting ruining an amazing friendship to give being together a shot – a mistake I will never ever make ever again. This morning, when Friday decided to punch me in the face (and dare I say the throat and the stomach,) it was when I realized that it’s okay to not be okay; to wave at your sanity as you pass by it on the Rage Train.

Becoming unmarried…well this just isn’t easy. It’s painful and frustrating and there are so many hoops to jump through. Everyone thinks that because I’m the one whole left, I don’t have to deal with anything; that it’s easy for me and that I don’t care about a damn thing. I AM HERE TO CLARIFY TO YOU KNOW-IT-ALLS….YOU ARE WRONG. I had no choice, I was pushed out. Gahhhhh when rage fuels validation. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but it’s really making me feel all of the feelings. AND ITS FRUSTRATING ME.

I lived in guy-world, unnoticed for the most part unless I was cooking. Alone in almost all things. This whole process, while I have maintained a certain level of positivity, has been nothing short of a life sucker. I have had to change everything…moved out, moved home, moved in with a roommate; my stuff in boxes time and time again for what feels like the 4215245 time. I’ve had to rope my friends in to shoveling my furniture back and forth, room to room. Though I have made great attempts at staying upbeat and positive in what is quite possibly the most confrontational situation I will ever be in, I am only human and sometimes we have to surrender to what’s before us. I think, maybe, that’s when we actually learn.

I am absolutely, 100% not griping about this, as I knew it would be a long, hard road. I’m thankful for my family and friends that have carried this weight with me over the last year and all they have done for me. I have nothing but gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned and those that I’m still learning. I’m just having a day. I knew this would happen, I knew I would have headaches. I knew there would be tears and heartache and stress. I knew I’d go through periods of questioning everything…but I also knew that sticking around and waiting for the situation to change would only double the above. I couldn’t deal with looking so far down a road that was paved with nothing but tribulation. I wanted happiness, every day. Hell, that’s what we need. I am happy to endure whatever the universe unfolds for me, but some days are harder than others. We must remember this.

here’s a song from my latest girl crush. she got all the feels too.

coffee break

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today just wasn’t going to happen without a delicious, extra dirty chai. I needed an extra boost on this Monday morning, because I had such an exhausting weekend of relaxing with my friends. It’s a rough life.

I have been steadily drawing the conclusion that The Anchor just wasn’t right, that the story wasn’t finished, that I’d honestly left out a chunk of the story….even though I didn’t know what that meant. I felt like there was a person missing, a giant piece of history or a big event that was essential to pushing the story to greatness. I started writing the book last April (almost a year ago, which I can’t believe) and, “finished,” it in October. It’s been amazing to see the characters change and grow and become people who I genuinely love, and not just because I’m writing about them. Walter and Bridget speak to me on so many different levels, and though I created them, I feel like they’ve changed me more than I could have ever anticipated.

I was happy to take my usual stroll to the mail this morning, I felt like I needed a moment away from my desk to really get some clarity on what I want from today/ this week. I couldn’t handle passing my favorite coffee shop without stopping…so I did. Extra dirty chai, over ice since it’s warming up here and the sun is out. ALL I want to do lately is be outside in the sun. I suppose that’s because we had annoying, drizzly, gloomy weather for what seemed like weeks, without even a glimmer of sunshine. I think we take nature for granted, so I’ve added showing gratitude towards mother Earth to my list of resolutions.

I’m rambling, I realize. I’m only half-way through my chai though, so I have an excuse.

Thanks to my little morning endeavor to Tamp&Grind Coffee, I’m thrilled to officially announce that within the week, I should be done making the major changes to the manuscript. NAY! I will be done. AND I’M HOLDING EVERYONE ACCOUNTABLE. I’m going to push myself to write every day, for most of the day this week, even if that means just making notes and drawing maps. You know, when the story turned in to a book I made myself a schedule. I had pages due every Thursday so I could re-read and edit on Fridays; I had specific days for everything. I’m not sure when I stopped doing this. Maybe I got overwhelmed with all of the other things that were happening in my life, maybe I got lazy. I don’t know. What I do know is that my flame has been reignited and I cannot wait to share this amazing story with everyone. As soon as the actual, final draft edit is complete, I’m going to start sending out query letters. This makes me extremely nervous and over-the-moon happy. I’m not sure if I will self-publish, though I’ve been encouraged to do so. (any thoughts on this are more than welcomed.) Either way, I’m so interested and excited to see what’s next for my characters and their story. I can’t wait to share it!

here’s a song for Monday. enjoy over coffee/favorite beverage.

grocery shop

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okay, I can’t stand it any longer. Lets talk about the grocery store.

I’ve just recently (in October) moved back to Alexandria/Pineville and was really bummed to leave the days of shopping at my beloved Rouse’s behind. I loved that so many of the products were local, special to the area. There’s something about shopping at a Louisiana owned and operated store that just makes my little southern heart sing. I don’t know why, but it does.

I really made a whole event out of food shopping days, unless I had company (which was rare.) I found myself there usually on Wednesdays, either before work, which wasn’t until 4 (sometimes I miss bartender life for this reason) or on whatever day I’d have off. It almost ALWAYS rained on days I picked to go grocery shopping, which meant my grey hoodie, which I’ve had since forever. Yes, that long. Yoga was first on the agenda, to steady my nerves for the dumbassery that was sure to happen during my trip to the store, either on my own account or someone else’s. Coffee was a given – I’d zip through the Starbucks line, order a classic style iced triple-espresso with one pump of white chocolate syrup – to die for. ** I’d pull in to the same exact parking spot at Rouse’s every single time and fish my headphones out of my purse while walking in. “Today is the day…my date to myself. This is bliss!” I know, I know. What a highlight?! SOLO GROCERY SHOPPING! I’m so cool.

Note: I realize this may sound incredibly neurotic, and I know I’ve mentioned this odd habit before, but I didn’t really appreciate the sanctity that is solo grocery shopping until recently.

After untangling my headphones from my hairbrush (because at the time it was necessary for me to carry one of those in my purse) I’d plug-in to whatever songs I’d just purchased and start on the health food aisle, feeding my inner granola girl both physically and metaphorically. I’d browse, picking up everything I hadn’t looked at before, reading every label and making little notes in my phone to Google products I was interested in. I would meander through every aisle, letting my imagination run wild with recipes for possible cocktail party snacks and perfect dinners for friends until I hit the part of the store where it turns in to toilet paper and other paper products.

Note: these items are necessary for a successful cocktail party.

As soon as I got to this part of the store, I’d make the loop and start at produce, also noting fruits and veggies I wanted to try, making a note to find, “108 Amazing Things to do with Butternut Squash,” or, “76 Ways Kale Will Change Your Life,” articles on Pinterest. (it should be pointed out that these articles exist in some form or fashion.) I would save the bakery and dairy for last, mostly because I struggle saying no to those perfect half-apple or peach pies. Why wouldn’t you want to buy just half of a peach or apple pie, when no one else in your house likes pie? Guilt free pie-eating right there, even though I almost always convinced myself that I needed coconut water instead. (though it never quite satisfies my sweet-tooth the way I wish it would.)

Note: My hips greatly appreciate this victory over perfect pie to this very day.

I’d make it all the way to the check out, only to realize that I’d completely checked out and missed half of the items on my list. So then, I’d switch over to my workout playlist and zoom through the store like a champ, since I’d obviously already looked at everything. At this point, after all the right stuff was finally in the basket, I’d make a little detour at the wine, dreaming of the day that I could shamelessly buy bottles and bottles and bottles of La Crema without batting an eyelash, but opting for Naked Grape or Cupcake because both brands are relatively inexpensive and taste okay, especially after the first bottle.

By this time, I’ve been in the store for over an hour, maybe close to two. The employees that I’ve been circling are now starting to look at me with odd expressions, wondering if I’ll ever leave or check out. I make my way to the check out, tossing a peppermint patty on the belt because hey, I’ve earned it. My favorite part is definitely when, the inevitable happens. “Oh wow, I didn’t know we carried this, what’s it for?” The lady (same one, Gladys, almost always) would ask me about some coconut product I’d read about or a new coffee creamer. I got tickled at this because it didn’t matter if I was just in the store buying random shit because I was bored and wanted to get out of the house or if I was making my normal shopping trip for my usual items, she felt the need to say something about one of my items, like it was a personal compliment or something.

“Oh these are excellent grapes. I bet you have a nice bowl to put them in.”

“That milk is soooooo good, that must be why your complexion is so nice.” – wait what?

“We carry organic, soy bubble bath here? Well what does that do?” – explaining a bubble bath to the grocery lady was probably one of the highlights.

I miss Rouse’s so much. No one recognized me there, no one stopped me to ask how I was doing, “what with the divorce and all,” or to ask about my mom and, “what’s going on with her?” Now I just mad dash in to Kroger or one of the new Neighborhood Markets that Wal-Mart so graciously placed in two of the most awkward locations possible, hoping no one speaks to me or stops me, judging me by the items in my basket and the fact that I have on no makeup. The second I step in to the grocery now, it’s all I can do to grab everything and just get home, eat my kale-butternut squash whatever and watch reruns of Golden Girls.

Solo grocery shopping will never be the same. Saddest day in the world.

and now…because I can’t get this amazing song out of my head: