WARNING: this post will be extremely whiny and rant-y but I have to get it all down before I pop.
I can’t seem to turn my brain off this week. I’m honest to God irritating myself at this point because I can’t shut my thoughts down long enough to breathe. I am obviously an over-thinker, this is a fact that I can’t escape; but shit. This is getting out of hand for me this week. I’d really reached the loveliest, serene place…then WHAMMO! Insecurities showed up and they weren’t invited.
In the past week, I’ve spent time constantly making lists for work stuff and things I need for my new place. “Do the board members want pretzels with their grapes for the meeting? Should I get cheese? I like that lamp, but is it going to work next to my laundry basket? Maybe I should get a new laundry basket.” I’ve made grocery lists, double checking all the way to make sure it’s following Paleo guidelines as closely as possible – let’s be honest here, there is no way in hell I’m giving up peanut butter or cheese. I’ve made pros and cons lists for all kinds of crap: that song, those jeans, that guy. “Should I do Paleo? Well, when should I send that text? How should I respond to that? Is that appropriate?” I mean seriously…my thoughts will not stop. I really want to tell my subconscious to just shut the hell up.
I’ve worked on The Anchor then flipped over to working on The Bridge, desperately trying to ensure that the sequel will be equally as satisfying as the first. So, this of course means more lists. Lists of the who-what-where-when-why of Walter and Bridget’s romance. Lists of poignant things they each said to each other, or specific thoughts they had. At one point, when my eyes crossed and I realized I had to be at work in four hours I swear I banged my head against my head-board and bellowed, “SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP!” in my best Emma Thompson.
I had a semi-panicky moment this morning because I was unsure of where I left my guitar. MY FREAKING GUITAR, you know that large instrument you hold and make beautiful sounds with? I couldn’t even remember what I’d done with it. I’m quite sure I thoroughly pissed Brittany off this morning when I sent a text at 7 a.m. sharp asking her if I’d left it where we practice. – which, side note: I was frustrated with everything I played last night. Nothing sounded good to me, nothing felt right. I was unhappy at rehearsal for the first time in forever. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BRAIN?! Who am I?!
I’ve recently cut down to two (okay, sometimes/mostly three) cups of coffee. I don’t make a pot at home because my roommate doesn’t drink it and I don’t see the point if no one is going to share it with me. Coffee should be shared, damn it! I haven’t had the shakes or anything, but I feel like something is missing chemically in my body. Caffeine addiction is real.
Thanks to the Noah-and-the-Ark sized flood of insecurities this week, I have been more introspective for the last twenty-four hours because I cannot handle feeling this way, and I think I’ve drawn a most honest conclusion. Perhaps, this is due to how busy my evenings have been this week – a problem I am not complaining about in the slightest, but I haven’t had time to get my evening yoga in and I swear it throws my balance off (no pun intended, this time.) I had a great vinyasa Monday morning, and half-assed practiced on Tuesday because I was flat beat. Jared (the roomie) asked to see my, “yoga stuff,” and I happily obliged, though I didn’t do anything but show him a few poses and talk to him about why I love it. I told him about how I love the practice so much because I discover different things about my mind and body every time I hit the mat. I like finding out which asanas are easier for the right side of my body versus the left, and vice versa. I like observing what happens where my thoughts tend to go when I’m trying balances over where my mind wanders when I’m in down-dog or in one of the Warrior poses. I know I was very gushy, in general, about how yoga (for me) isn’t only about challenging my body, it’s about healing my mind.
So maybe that’s it? Maybe the reason why my brain has been in full over-analyze mode is because my thoughts haven’t had any place to go? I didn’t realize the one-year anniversary of my daily (4-6 times a week) practice. I’ve been side-planking and Ujjayi breathing for a solid year now, and on occasion for years before that. It’s amazing what happens when that is subtracted from the day…I knew the practice has extreme effects on me but I had no idea how much. Just a few days without it and my brain (and body) are in complete over drive.
Hopefully when I’m on my mat this evening and my crazy lists and insecurities start blabbing, my calm inner yogini will politely, quietly breathe, “seriously, shut up.”
here’s a bunch of crap you need to know about being friends/dating an over-thinker. I’m already stressing out about whether or not you’ll read it. Maybe I’ll make another list of things to read while you’re stressed.