I had a dream last night about a guy I haven’t thought of in literally years. I think we met at church camp or something…and I was a teenager the last time I went to camp so…its been a while. I tried to make sense of it while brushing my teeth, thinking over and over about what happened in the dream. I was decorating the Christmas tree at Calvary, the church I attended while growing up; the church I was baptized in, the church where my dad’s funeral took place and the church that I was married in – obviously a structure that holds so many memories, good and bad, for me. I was on an extremely tall ladder and climbed down to grab another handful of poinsettias and there he was. We exchanged what I would imagine in real life as a transcendent moment and he says to me, “your eyes, what a beautiful, welcomed sight.” As soon as it was out of his mouth, I smiled back and began to speak and he was gone. Dreams are funny like that – just when you think it’s getting somewhere and it’s not just a bunch of random images and dialogue smashed together, boom. It’s over. You wake up and try to piece together the meaning. I mostly just end up talking backwards at the mirror while I do my makeup.
I’ve spent several days lately reflecting on who I think I am. I’ve moved more times than I can count. I’ve lived in almost every major city in Louisiana and have had semi-plans to live in others – I feel like I’m always subconsciously planning my next move. Is that because I’m dissatisfied with life? Or because I’ve got the hunger to know and do and constantly keep things new? I’m still figuring this out, and I know that’s okay.
I remember writing a long diatribe of sorts when I was about seventeen or so on this exact thing – thinking I’ve got myself all figured out and that I really have my shit together. Let me clarify by saying I didn’t know then and I don’t know now and though it’s getting there, I definitely don’t have it all together yet. I’ve been married – a wife, a role I was excited to play and I thought I was doing a good job until I realized how unhappy we both were. I constantly search for an answer to the, “why,” part of that equation and it wasn’t until this morning that it really donned on me; I don’t really know who I am. How was I supposed to love another completely and expect him to love me just the same if I didn’t fully understand how to love myself? I know we’ve all read articles that express the same sentiment before and I’ve definitely rolled my eyes to those very words, but until you’ve lived it you don’t know how true they really are.
I don’t want to discredit the soul-searching I’ve been doing for pretty much the entire year of 2014. I’ve fallen in love with yoga and written a book. I’ve moved home and made some extremely kickass friends and strengthened my relationships with old ones. I like to think of this year as a true awakening. I’m exploring many avenues and I truly believe I’m getting there, but I now know I shouldn’t have made any binding life decisions before I could look at my own reflection and understand who was looking back at me. I’m getting to this place, as my dream-boy would say, my eyes are becoming, “a beautiful, welcomed sight.” It’s nice to look in the mirror and recognize who you are, for real.
Here’s another great article from one of my favorite daily reads. It was absolutely the perfect article to stumble upon this morning and I honestly wish I’d written it myself.
Cheers to my own reflection, and liking what I see. I hope you do the same.
ALSO. I’m obsessed with the French Kicks.