avalanche

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it’s a funny thing, heartbreak.

it happens when you least expect it. sometimes its self-inflicted pain and other times our precious loved ones are the cause of our insides spilling out on the floor. what happens when a block of salt is lodged in an already gaping, bleeding wound?

you stitch that shit up and keep going. that’s what.

I read about yoga a lot and practice as much as I can to not only test my limits physically and become stronger, but to open my heart. Through this practice and semi-inconsistent meditation, I’ve taken the words Rumi has offered and pondered.

“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Rumi

It’s weird to say this since I’m generally perceived as as sweet, warm person, but I’m fairly certain it’s just a warm-hands/cold-heart situation. I didn’t realize until recently how shut off I’ve been emotionally, for years. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now had I self-actualized. Regardless….it’s all starting to snowball and I feel like it’s way out of my control. I really hope there isn’t any serious collateral damage, but I fear it’s too late.

I don’t know if circles and lines have been drawn already; I’m not sure I can rearrange this room again. I’m so afraid that if my heart breaks again or a little more, like even if it adds the tiniest crack, an avalanche is going to fall out. I already feel flooded with more emotion than I knew existed inside my soul, but an avalanche; that’s what coming if my heart breaks one more time before it’s healed again.

Heartbreak can be positive I suppose, but I’m worried I’m not going to be able to get it back in a shape that I recognize. Maybe this is a good thing…I’ve been going through so many changes lately, learning so much about who I am and how I deal with things. I am an eternal optimist; I fervently believe in silver linings and choose to see the upside to just about every situation. Unfortunately this leads to landslides of disappointed me and heartbreak and I need to get a grip on that. I feel like it makes me seem weak and that is a word  I am not remotely comfortable with at this point in my life.

At the end of the day though, I can’t beat myself up for having feelings and expressing them enough to meet my needs.  I don’t need anyone else to deem them acceptable because I feel them. Because I feel them. I don’t expect people to completely understand where I’m coming from, but I do expect respect. I don’t care if you accept how I feel and I don’t anticipate a reaction or a explanation or anything of the kind; I anticipate acknowledgement and decency. And Christ, sometimes kindness, even though I realize that’s a stretch.

I can feel the first bit of snow starting to rumble, so I’m going to cut this off before I’m completely covered in a mess I can’t get out of.

just in case you’re interested in this sort of stuff: http://nsidc.org/cryosphere/snow/science/avalanches.html

otherwise, here’s the usual –

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One thought on “avalanche

  1. Oh my oh my how closely I relate to this… even typing this comment I can feel my own snow slowly piling up… Thank you for being so free… your self expression helps me understand that we’re all on this journey together…

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