I’m not sure where to begin this post. Several things have come to my attention lately – I have an entire laundry list of things on my mind – so much has changed since my last post just before Halloween. I suppose I’ll start with a laugh, because…well I freaking love to laugh and it makes the most grim of situations bearable.
I read this article last night and actually, “lol-ed.” (I cannot stand typing LOL…I never use it, I think it looks like a confused smile with a uni-brow.)
Note: After further investigation, the comments on this article have been hilarious and ridiculous. People entertain me so much!
Twenty-something weird thoughts are absolutely a real thing. I had no idea the person that was living in my mind/soul/body was actually me. While I don’t care about nutritional facts being on a wine label – I’m a scotch girl anyhow – I feel like it’s absolutely okay to say no to events and friends and opt for sweats and Ben&Jerry (they count as friends.) I feel like it’s okay to rejoice when my paycheck clears because I’ve literally just spent every damn dime I have on a pair of cute shoes that I’m only going to vacuum in – I especially justify this one….like who doesn’t need more vacuuming heels?
**LET IT BE SAID THAT IF YOU CAN’T VACUUM IN THEM YOU DON’T NEED TO WEAR THEM ON A DATE OR ANYWHERE.
Number 20 of this list really struck me. Who actually has a solid routine? I want to freaking know and I want to know how you do it. Wanting a routine and not actually having a routine is perfectly acceptable; the main point is that you’re trying. Right? I can see my best friend Emma and my mother reading this and eye-rolling at me at this very second- I’ve never understood how two people can be so well planned. I have a calendar on my phone, a planner where I physically write everything down, a large desk calendar at work and I still can’t manage to have a solid routine. My days are all over the place. I don’t have a specific time for bed or waking up or practicing yoga or anything. Everything just sort of happens around my work and I go from there. My intentions are good I swear!
Though I spend a good deal of my time lately being frustrated enough to smash all of my breakables to bits, I like being a twenty-something. Despite all of the physical and emotional crap that’s happening – and honestly there’s too much of that – I feel like I’m conquering the damn world.
The physical stuff I’ve kind of got a handle on since I’ve fallen so deeply in love with yoga. I can do it with my eyes closed now (for the most part) and I really let myself focus on the breathing. Ujjayi breath is where it’s at yall – and you have to work on it! I was having an extremely hard time convincing myself it was okay to get on the mat last week. Lots going on emotionally and I was incredibly nervous about getting back at it; like a giant looming conversation you just really want to protest and ignore for forever. Who needs to have awkward conversations? Not me, nope, no way. I couldn’t find the will, or a way to step back on, until I read this:
This blog was the perfect boost. I am obviously so happy to be reminded regularly that I am not the only pebble on the beach and that the way I feel is a-okay. “Feelings are friends!” I hear some therapist spouting in my head. I feel like that’s a crock because feelings (at least for me right now) are far from friends. Frenemies, maybe….but definitely not friends. How could that be possible? Feelings make you stupid: laughing that snowballs in to crying which can produce actual tears and then oh-heavens-who-knows-what (probably an entire pint of B&J and more crying.) I don’t have time to be red-eyed and puffy. I don’t have time to feel things or explain what’s happening in my head (to myself or anyone – if I don’t even understand, how could you possibly?)
I suppose this not-so-smoothly transitions me for my next little rant…
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW JUST ASK ME. But for Pete’s sake, be ready for an answer you didn’t expect or desire. I speculate about so many things with the best of ’em.
“Are they, aren’t they?”
“Will they, won’t they?”
“She’s back on Facebook.”
” Did you see what she posted on Instagram? AND what her caption was?”
I get it. We live in the age of social media and it’s easy to just stalk, assess and assume…and then spread the news. I understand. I feel like this is really really really taking a toll on how people associate with each other; how relationships are viewed and how, maybe, the people in these relationships view each other (which is disgusting. I cannot condone for another second people meeting over social media. I don’t get it. How could you possibly expect someone from an app called tinder to be the next great love of your life?)
I received a call over the weekend from a friend, because I hadn’t been on Facebook in a while and she hadn’t really heard anything from/about me. First of all when I saw her number come up on caller ID, I gasped! Not an email, not a text message, an actual call? Holy 20th century, Batman. She was timid at first to ask me what’s been going on, but she finally did and we talked in an extremely healthy, happy way and for quite a while. I answered all of her questions willingly ( because I have absolutely nothing to hide) and ended the conversations feeling relieved and loved. I shouldn’t feel relieved when I get a call from someone checking in on me, but that’s how foreign it feels. I know that I operate my personal life in an extremely private way, but that’s because I respect it (and other parties involved.)
Other parties involved: NOT YOU. Not everyone is down to just blast their past and present away on Facebook or Twitter or wherever.
…but if you have enough balls to ask, then I’ll happily oblige you. I’m an open book.
The Anchor has been under revision and is taking a new turn. I felt like it was a bit exploitative of extremely memorable and important moments in my life and that just didn’t sit well with me. Of course, I’m tickled positively-pink that my first draft is in print and includes these moments, but I am happy to say they will not make it to print and distribution. Some of those memories belong in a beautiful box, just for me. Locked in a trunk that’s in a trunk that’s in a ship that will eventually sink and will one day, long after I’m gone, be just words to some lucky pirate. Or the ship will be blown to smithereens – that’s seems to be fitting of how everything is playing out currently.
I think the changes I’m making are extremely positive. I read Nicholas Sparks’ The Best of Me and completely changed my tune towards my own book. Though I am impressed with his career – obviously. Every book he sells gets made in to a motion picture – I couldn’t bear being compared to him in that genre should anything ever come to fruition with my own work. I am beyond nervous to go back through and change the setting from Beulah, South Carolina to Beulah, Georgia; I feel like this is going to require a large leap of faith. So much of the book is nautical based and who knows, maybe I’ll discover that it can’t be done and I’ll have to suck it up and be, “that girl that wasn’t quite Sparks,” but I’m at very least going to try.
I’m sad (as Leighann and Nadia will be) that the concert scene is going to be taken out. I can’t bear to leave it in the novel, the more I think of it. It’s too personal and too wonderful a memory to throw out in to the wide world of careless young-adult judgement. Perhaps I’ll post it here for a brief moment…we’ll see.
All in all…being a twenty-something writer that’s recently moved home due to an over-the-top, intense life change is going okay. I’m accepting that it all comes day-to-day and that I really can’t anticipate or expect what tomorrow will bring.
I can and WILL anticipate and expect amazing music though. And so should you. Enjoy swaying to this lovely tune while you forget about Monday. Thanks for reading this ramble. pretty ugly update soon.